How I ended up a 10 years friendship when I realized that she was racist.
So… I broke up with a friend recently.
We met 11 years ago when I move to California to improve my English. I was ready to meet young Americans, but I ended up meeting and becoming friends with two French girls. For the story, I will call them LINDA and MAUREEN.
At that time, our life was mostly about, studies, drinks, and parties. We were thinking about boys and how we were going to pay for our driver’s license.
When we came back to France, we kept in touch and became close. We became the three musketeers, inseparable. As the years went by, our parties shifted to dinner or casual drinks after work, vodka has been replaced by nightcap tea and junk food by sushi. When I moved to Vancouver, Maureen came to visit me and years later, in Budapest. We have tons of memories of laughs, joy. We have our fair share of scary situations and broken hearts.
When Linda got married the day before I move to Canada, Maureen and I decided to surprise her and did 400 miles back and forth to see her, cry a little bit and say goodbye. Even if the last five years, none of us were living in the city, we managed to keep in touch, and share news from as much as we can.
I considered those girls as my BEST FRIENDS. You know, the type of person who will be there for you no matter what happened and will show up if you need any support in your life…
Well, it seems like I was wrong.
It’s all coming back to when I posted my OPEN LETTER back in May. Even though they read it, none of them reached out to me or even asked me what this was about. I mean, they are white women, they should be interested when their black friend is posting on her Facebook page: OPEN LETTER TO MY WHITE FRIENDS. I would be interested.
But nothing. Not a word.
A few days later, Linda asked me why people who are posting black square on social media are not enough. I was appalled. Not only that she, as a white woman married to a black man with two mixed-race children, should not ask me why but how come she did not understand the meaning of all this.
I used this opportunity to tell her the fact that neither she nor Maureen tried to reach out, made me feel that our friendship had no value and I felt abandoned by them.
This is when things got interesting.
Maureen explained how she’s not really on social media and she thought that I was just reposting a chain. REALLY? So, I am just going to randomly share a post about white people? And even if, don’t you think that the word FRIEND should have your attention?
Apparently, no.
On top of that she gave me the excuse of “USA is different than FRANCE” and also the famous, I don’t see you as black, I see you just as my friend blablabla…
Well, it seems like people know how to distance themselves from uncomfortable situation, so why can’t they do it during a pandemic?
And then she had the CAUCACITY to ask the dumbest question I ever heard in my life: “BUT, DID YOU EVER SUFFERED FROM RACISM?”
I was speechless, and it would not be the last time during this conversation. When we started to dig a little bit, I told her that I was not comfortable with her partner, FRANK.
[Let’s talk about Frank a little bit.] She met him right after I left Paris and they have been together ever since. 5 years and counting. I met him only one time overall and I felt right away racists vibes around that guy. He joked about the fact that I should be with Linda’s husband (you know because he’s black) among other things, subtle but enough for me to notice. At that time, I thought that if I said something, I didn't think Maureen would have understand why this was not ok. I was not familiar with the term GASLIGHTING at that point. A lot of things change in four years.
So when I finally told her that her partner, that I met only one time in five years, said something that gave me the impression that he was racist, I expected anything from her but: “OH YEAH I KNOW, HE IS A LOST CAUSE”.
Another speechless moment on my side…
And she kept going by saying that not only he is racist, but he is also a misogynist, and homophobic. Seriously, who says, out of provocation: “a woman who gets raped, she got pleasure out of it”. Well, Frank said that. More importantly, why did she feel the need to share this information when we were talking about race?
Of course, she used the card: “he’s coming from the countryside, he doesn’t know better. But I am trying to show him different things”. She also tried to negotiate. She told me that we could still see each other without him if I don’t feel comfortable around him. She would have the best of both worlds and I’m not sure where she stands with this situation.
I know what some of you might think right now: BUT you can’t choose who you love. Well, I call bullshit on this one.
It’s not the classic “my parents or my family is racist” situation (even though you can still speak out about it; remember, SILENCE IS VIOLENCE). She chose him. I don’t think that you can love someone who does not share your values. I heard that quote one day: “WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE”. I truly believe in that. Most of the time, we are choosing to be with someone thinking that this is the best we can do. Trust me, that’s not true.
Just like feminism, anti-racism is a fundamental value. It must be an integral part of the human being who desires equality for all individuals.
I sent her an extract from a recording of French police officers, making racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and homophobic remarks; and I told her that’s why I’ll never feel safe around the COPS or the MILITARY. Ah yes, Frank is a soldier who has often been deployed overseas, especially in Africa. That guy is such a cliché.
Anyway, our brief conversation ended up with her, telling me that she is there for me no matter what and that I can contact her if needed.
A month later, she never tried to reach out, call, text, or even ask me for a drink to have a real conversation about it. So, I decided to send her an email. I told her that I will never feel safe around her, as her life partner has those kinds of ideology. That I am not asking to leave him because I think it’s her choice, but I will not be able to be her friend anymore if she’s not willing to change the situation. And that’s my choice.
And you know folks, I do not understand why she is still with him. That guy cheated on her so many times, she told me that she does not even feel anything about that anymore. When I asked her if she was ever going to leave him, she told me she is trying to win the lottery and buy his share on the house…
I sent this email thinking that the chances of getting a response were very low, but with the idea that 10 years of friendship deserves at least a reaction from her.
It has been almost a month since I wrote that email; she never wrote back. She took the time to text Linda about it, but she never wrote me back. But it seems like she already made this choice a long time ago, don’t you think?
Linda told me that she said she didn’t understand my email. What’s funny with Linda is that she knew, but never talk to me about it. She told me that she will call me by the end of the week, but she didn’t. When a friendship of 10 years has been fractured this way, you may think that the first thing the third party will do is to contact both people and say what they think about it. Because Linda hates Frank. Linda told me that Frank made remarks about her husband’s penis during Maureen’s 30th birthday party (I will never understand why white people are so obsessed with black penises).
Did she say to Maureen that she agreed with me or did she just pretend that she doesn’t care about Frank? I’ll probably never know and I don’t care anymore.
It made me realize that we were probably still friends more out of habit and comfort. We do not share the same values. No relationship can last (friendly or romantic) if you are not ready to put your values aside and close your eyes when a situation displeases you. I don’t have that LUXURY.
The experience of racism in France is so different than in other countries that I have lived in or visited, that I found out 10 years too late that a friend of mine was a racist. People here think they get to pick and choose when and where they can tell they are not racist when at the end of the day, I don’t have the privilege to stop being a target because of the color of my skin. And in this case, the threat was living with my friend for 5 years.
I have no regret. I don’t know if 2020 will have an end. I don’t have time to be understanding, compassionate, or thoughtful. I reserve this for my anti-racist friends who decide to not jeopardize my safety because they are afraid to be alone.
To conclude, I would say something my sister post the other day and it has to be applied to everyone :
We can disagree on many things and still remains friends. Racism, (among other things but you know already) isn’t one of them.
